My Ayurvedic Astrologer Told Me I'll Be A Billionaire If I Just Do These Few Things

I believe in the power of pretty much anything. Psychics, astrologers, that woman in Venice who reads tarot from a folding table next to a vape shop. You name it, I’ll cash them out in the name of getting some kind of answer about what the hell is coming next.

Lately, things feel particularly… tender. I’m entering a pivotal chapter: I’m launching my own shoe brand, my boyfriend is moving in, and my Saturn return is finally crawling to a close (if you know, you know).

So, naturally, I made the call—to Sameer, my family’s Ayurvedic astrologer. Not out of curiosity. Out of necessity.

Now, if you’re unfamiliar: Ayurvedic astrology is basically cosmic wellness. It combines Vedic astrology with Ayurveda, India’s traditional medicine system, to understand how your mind, body, and entire life are shaped by your birth chart. Unlike our standard Gregorian calendar full of bank holidays and social plans, the Ayurvedic calendar follows natural rhythms—seasonal shifts, lunar cycles, and the ever-changing dance of the doshas.

What Sameer tells me? Honestly, it’s exactly what I need to hear. And also… completely derails me in the best way.

Here’s the gist, edited for drama (his, not mine):

• I’m part of the “Godly Group,” and blessed by a Serpent God.

• Absolutely nothing is moving in my life right now—because Saturn. But after March 29th? Movement. Money. Venus energy.

• People underestimate me. I’m brilliant and kind, but taken for granted. (Sameer said it, not me.)

• An ancestor of mine who passed suddenly is not at peace. Every new moon, I need to leave a Greek pastry in the backyard, say “Enjoy, take it, be happy,” and pray for her to pass peacefully into the next realm.

• I’m destined to make a lot of money. Not regular money. Billionaire money.

But only if I follow a few key rules:

1. No all-black outfits. (Devastating.)

2. Make a monthly donation to a school for blind children.

3. Wear a 5 carat emerald on my pinky finger.

4. Keep a bowl of yellow mustard under my bed to absorb negativity.

5. Place 50 to 60 peacock feathers in the northeast corner of my home office

6. Wear pure jasmine perfume—he specifically mentioned Chanel.

7. Repeat the mantra Shreem. Often.

And as for my boyfriend — according to Sameer, he’s a good guy. I’ll probably marry him. He might gain weight, but honestly—same. He also had a session with Sameer (per my request), and now he’s scheduled for a traditional Indian puja to clear out any lingering negativity before moving in. Imagine dating me: part girlfriend, part spiritual concierge.

So here I am: launching a brand, whispering Schreem under my breath, tucking mustard bowls beneath the bed, and quietly manifesting that the shoe I’m designing is something you’ll fall in love with—and maybe even buy. I truly believe in the power of intention and honoring Hindu practices.

Because at this point, I’m not just manifesting abundance.

I’m preparing. To be a billionaire.

Peacock feathers and all.