HOT TAKE: BIGASS HANDBAGS

The Only Bag You Really Need

Hot Take (n): a quickly produced, strongly worded, and often deliberately provocative or sensational opinion or reaction.

My name is Alexia Ioannou and I approve of this message.

The only bag you really need, is a big ass handbag.

It fits everything. It makes a statement. And it has a guaranteed cost per wear that places it in the top 1% of your wardrobe.

My big ass handbag of choice? The Louis Vuitton Monogram Vernis Reade GM from the F/W 1999 collection by Marc Jacobs, in big apple red of course (you can get the same exact one here).

My bag lets you know how I get shit done: efficiently, stylishly and only with so much practicality. Measuring at a sturdy 18.5’ inches wide and almost 8’ inches deep, making a statement as I hastily bump into the people around me, “my bag is obnoxiously oversized, can’t you tell I’m busy??”. The bigger the better. More is more is more!

Your big ass handbag is not doing it’s job unless it’s making you weak in the knees. With mine at times weighing in as close to 20 pounds, with no other option than to carry it, causing me to walk with a sort of swaggering limp in my step.

My bag smells like a sweet and sour mix of lavender essential oil and the dirty pair of socks that permanently live at the bottom. A peak inside will reveal the standard laptop and notebook along with three additional smaller bags that are filled with all of the unnecessary but always necessary things. Like a half-chewed beef jerky saved for later (I’m hungry), a mixed bag of crystals (try breaking my aura, I dare you), the obvious assortment of 20 lipglosses (no, this is still not enough) and fresh panties (you should know why). Never not pushing the limit of overstuffing it, throwing my dog as the cherry on the top when its convenient. If you need me to hold something for you, I promise I can fit it in my bag, I just probably will lie to you because I don’t want to.

Now that I’m talking about it out loud, I see I’m entangled in a codependent relationship with this bag (it’s not just any bag, I swear!). I recognize this only because I have a complex history of dating narcissistics. You too, can have an deep emotional relationship with an inanimate object by purchasing your very own big ass handbag.